Managing conflict:

March 5, 2012

Sweet friends. I mentioned that Nick and I attended a couples retreat our friends invited us to in Costa Mesa this past weekend. When we arrived, we found out the topic was about conflict management, which we were pretty excited about because we've struggled with conflict ever since the start of our relationship. We've known each other for going on 6 years now, been married for over a year -- and still haven't even come close to figuring out how to resolve our conflict. It's been a long journey.

Even though this may not be a topic pertaining to the blog world like "how to use twitter properly" or something like that, I thought I'd share some notes I took over the weekend because this is really kind of more important than knowing how to use twitter ;) It's real and deep life issues. and I'm sure we've all known and have had our own share of conflicts. We were really blessed by the retreat and the material we learned. Even if you're not in a romantic relationship, I think this material can totally be applied to all relationships. (I was thinking of ways to apply it with my brother, whom I get in big arguments with sometimes) If you're not big on reading a lot of content, I've included some pretty pictures in this post that you can look at too ;)


Is it normal to have conflict while you are married or in relationships? Sure. But it's about how you argue and how you manage conflict together. They introduced this model called "The Reactive Cycle" which is basically that every couple has a cycle that keeps us stuck. Emotional buttons get pushed and we so react a certain way.

Update: Alison noted that she's heard it called the crazy cycle,
which I kind of like better, haha ;)
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Emotional buttons include feeling: unloved, unappreciated, disrespected, failure, inadequate, unimportant, disconnected, judged, not good enough, controlled, abandoned, worthless

Reactions can be: defensiveness, withdraw, escalate, belittle, blame, control, humor, indifference, sarcasm, rationalize, independence, anger or rage, criticize, isolate, exaggerate, withhold, emotionally shut down.

So we watched a video example about a wife and husband arguing about him watching tv. The fight isn't really about him watching tv. Her emotional buttons that are getting pushed are that she feels ignored and unimportant so she reacts in anger. His emotional buttons are that he is feeling controlled so he reacts in humor and he rationalizes.

I actually came across this pdf of an entire list of buttons + reactions and meanings if you want to take a look to help you better identify your buttons + reactions during those conflicts.

This was a big eye opener for us. A lot of the time, I think the arguments between Nick and I are really silly and I sometimes wonder what is wrong with us or why we argue about such trivial things. But it helped us to realize it's not really about that fight we had over McDonalds or buying the wrong item at the store. It's feeling unvalued, unloved, disrespected, worthless and so we react with defensiveness, anger, isolation. and it's a vicious cycle.


Ways to break the cycle. There were a lot of great ideas discussed to break the cycle including things I can do and things you can do together as a couple.
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1) Create space. You may need to create physical or emotional space. It's important to step away and figure out what is going on with your emotions and feelings.

2) Take personal responsibility. Sometimes it is so easy to think "my spouse needs to change" and if we remain in this thinking, ultimately we are powerless. Take time to open your heart and reflect. Call a time out. But it's important that the person who calls the "time-out" needs to get you back together too. Otherwise no one will initiate and then you'll just stay in conflict! (which has definitely happened to Nick and I before ;)

3) Pursue Truth. For me personally this was a big one because I really often buy into lies. Lies like "he doesn't care/love me" and really silly stuff like that. Check your motives and heart. One of the couples were telling us about an argument they had about money they each received for a gift. The husband wanted to put it away and save it or use it toward bills and the wife wanted to spend it on something for the house. The husband said he would fall into this thinking that his wife was selfish and he had to step back and ask "Am I really thinking this about her??" because it was a total lie and we need to be careful of this.

Make sure your hearts are both open when you get back to talk. Listen to help your spouse feel understood and cared for. Real listening takes place when I am more concerned with understand what you are saying rather than you understanding what I am saying. Try to replace judgement with curiosity and be compassionate to understand what pain they are feeling.

photo by Henrik Bulow via Le Love

We really need to understand the emotional subtexts of our relationships - the hidden issues and hurt feelings that need to be surfaced. If we can learn to learn to manage our cycles of conflict, then we can make our marriages more emotionally safe. We can cultivate intimate marriages when we learn to soften our responses and better care for our spouse's heart.


They asked the attendees what we thought the secret to a happy marriage was? Grace. Patience. Love. Forgiveness. All these words were thrown out. The answer was friendship.

I totally would have chosen love or grace or something. But they explained that friendship is something established, a deep and abiding relationship. Friends that still enjoy the same thing, and spending time together. Makes sense!

via Kenzas

Edit: I forgot to add this from my notes but I think it's really important. If you don't resolve your conflict in a healthy way, be careful of the path you are heading down. The reactive cycle is so destructive because it sets you and your spouse up as adversaries and makes your relationship emotionally unsafe. When we feel emotionally unsafe, our hearts close and we disconnect. If this pattern continues overtime, you put yourself at risk to hardening and closing your heart to your spouse. Not good! :( also probably one of the most important points: Apologize! "I was wrong", "I am sorry", or "Please forgive me" are so huge. I've struggled with this my whole life, I have a lot of pride and it's hard to say these words. But they are powerful and healing words.

I am really glad we went to this retreat. Initially I had a quick thought like "Nick and I have a great marriage, we don't need to go to something like this" which is actually really terrible and dangerous thinking because there are always ways we can grow stronger and new things we can learn together as a couple. I really think a lot of the above information can be applied to anyone. For us personally, we will never be able to do it alone apart from God. A lot of the content also included aspects from the bible and a big one was prayer and seeking His will. Sometimes it's hard for me personally to pray when I am sooooo angry, but it is so important to pray to get my heart right and allow His love back in. In a society where divorce is so prevalent and the word love and it's feeling is so mismanaged, now more than ever we need to take a stand and be careful of allowing the devil to bring us down. he loves to spoil good things and rob us of our joy. But we have such a great hope and our relationship is rooted in Someone so much greater and stronger.

So what do you think? If you were able to read the content, I hope you are encouraged or blessed through it. It was actually great review for me to go through the notes and type key points out to share with you .. so thanks for letting me share! :)

Have you heard of this "reactive cycle" idea before?
Do you agree with this material? Disagree?
Would love to hear your thoughts and ways you've found to
manage conflict with your significant other!

55 hello's:

  1. This is such an amazing post, Danni. I really, truly agree with this, us women are so complicated some times but we all drag stuff from our past and childhood when we allow it. I'm glad you talked about this. xo

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  2. This is beautiful! I'm saving it so I remember it someday when I need it. Thanks :)

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  4. I love this! We are currently attending a class at our church that tackles many of the same issues. Although I think we had a fairly stable to begin with, the class has been sooooo helpful and eye opening. The teachers even use the same sort of "cycle" idea in the classes, except they refer to it as the "Crazy Cycle." :)

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  5. This is a really interesting way to think about arguing. I think that personal space is so key in figuring out what you really feel about a situation. Also, being very careful to discuss issues and not start slinging mud or blaming. Thanks!

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  6. This is a wonderful post. I read an interesting relationship book this year called Hold Me Tight and one thing in it that struck me was the idea that in modern society, we expect our partner to be everything. In the past, the expectations of husbands and wives were much narrower, and we looked to our family, friends, and community for a lot of the things that we only get from our romantic partners now. That's a lot of pressure, and it means we have to work that much harder to nurture the attachment between us, so it isn't obscured by expectations, reactions, and defenses.

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  7. Amazing post and can be applied to any relationship. Thank you for sharing such valuable notes with us.

    I've not heard of this before but immediately identify with the buttons and reactions. Something like this really makes you take a step back and apply it to your own situation.

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  8. Thank you so much for posting this! I love my fiance dearly and we are actively seeking growth in our conflict resolution with each other.. these notes are going to be SO helpful. I can't wait to share these with him, and with our other couple friends who are seeking the same help! I truly appreciate this.. you should post other resources you come across in the future too. :)

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  9. Danni, this is an incredible post and I'm so glad you shared what you learned with us! In past relationships, I've definitely kept silent when something upset me, but that usually meant that I became a bit passive aggressive about it. Half the time, I expected boyfriends to read my mind. Since I identified this habit, I've gotten much better at conflict and taken a "I'm going to say how I feel, and do it without accusing either party of wrongdoing." That has helped, as well as having him understand that I need him to really listen to me and respect my feelings. That honesty and openness and talking through things made such a big different in my last relationship.

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  10. Thanks for this post...I really appreciated it. The parts that spoke to me most deeply were Make sure your hearts are both open when you get back to talk and Sometimes it's hard for me personally to pray when I am sooooo angry, but it is so important to pray to get my heart right and allow His love back in. I really struggle in these areas!

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  11. great post. had to let you know that these type of posts are appreciated. these are great reminders for me. and i love that you're brave and take risks to step out and post about "real life" along with your beautiful "work/hobby" related posts. you're so blessed that they are one in the same! :)

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  12. Really appreciate your thoughts friends! :)

    @Alison - CRAZY CYCLE, love it, hahaaa. so true. ;)

    @hillary - That is so interesting cause I have lately been dealing and realizing I sure have a lot of expectations.. which can often be a main reason for our arguments. The expectations are unrealistic and ridiculous. I need to stop thinking he needs to change and accept and love him for who he is, which is pretty awesome.

    @Casey // dreams and bones - So excited you'll be sharing with your fiance later! There were a ton of engaged couples at this retreat, it is so important to discuss going into marriage! If you have any questions, feel free to email!

    @Brandi {not your average ordinary} - I love your insights. "without accusing either party of wrongdoing" is KEY and I should have mentioned that in the post too. They talked a lot about being careful to point fingers as well which I fall easily into. That is such a huge thing to identify communication habits, I often do think he should know what I'm feeling since I told him but guys are different. I still need to figure that out!

    @Jummy - so wonderful to know I am not the only one ;)

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  13. My husband and I read a book called 'Love and Respect' which was extremely helpful for us. In the book they lay out the crazy cycle which is really similiar to what you are describing. I would recommend this book to anyone in a serious relationship!

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  14. My fiance and I are reading a book called "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson as a part of our premarital counseling. If you haven't read it, I couldn't recommend it more. It's a wealth of information, mostly focused about her years researching and cultivating emotionally focused therapy (EFT). The "reactive cycle" you mention is talked about in different terms (but same concept) and in really great detail. And every "button" is, as you say, connected to an unmet attachment need. It is already helping us so much and we've hardly skimmed the surface.

    Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience! I really liked the bit about "pursuing truth" and plan to share it with my fiance tonight.

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  15. I want to commend you for being so open and sharing so much of your heart and mind here.
    Something I believe in is, instead of constantly evaluating what your partner is doing, you need to evaluate yourself and your own behavior, and take care of your own half of the relationship.
    One last thing: my husband, who I have been together with for 13 years now, always has to remind me that men are sensitive, too. They have feelings, too. And women shouldn't treat them in a way they wouldn't want to be treated.
    xo Dawn

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  16. even, healthy marriages need a getaway to learn more about each other so that "healthy" can continue to grow.

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  17. A really thought provoking post. We tend to just get bored half way through a pointless conflict and do something else. Also, when I'm angry I still find it really hard not to laugh at him so that often lightens the mood. Real problems are sorted out within minutes by just stating the facts. We don't play games and were both quite good at asking questions and getting clear answers so any insecurities are quickly squashed. I think it's key to remind yourself that your lover isn't a bad person. It's so easy to skip into that mindset of thinking they're out to hurt you. As soon as they lie though it destroys all that so trust is imperative.

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  18. So much truth in this post. My husband and I struggle with our own reactive cycle and its been particularly hard this past year because of external family drama. I appreciate any reminder to stop, listen, and think first in my relationship!

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  19. oh wow. i never really post on your blogs (except the one down below hehe) but this article is awesome!!

    i too believe too much into the lies. and reading your article made me feel like i have guidelines now on how i feel. i've been feeling so lost recently because of me and my boyfriend's silly stupid arguments. and i often think "he doesn't even care about me anymore" blah blah blah.

    thank you so much for this article danni!

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  20. I've never heard of this before, but I totally enjoyed reading and am actually interested in attending one of these. Thanks so much for sharing :) My husband and I have been married for 5 years, but together for 11 (we dated throughout college + long engagement). I think we could definitely benefit from this retreat.

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  21. This is awesome, Danni! I've heard of something similar from the Love & Respect series that I watched in small group. I'm so encouraged that you and Nick are growing in your marriage!
    blessings

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  22. Thank you for sharing this post today. Usually I come to your site for all of the visual splendor but today this is just what I needed. I feel encouraged to bring forward some of these thoughts/ideas regarding some conflict that is going on between my husband and I right now. :)

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  23. Thanks for the great post!

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  24. Wow that was a really interesting post and it made me think about how me and my partner react to such things. I'd have to sit for longer and try and piece together more ideas and do some more analysis of the way we behave if I were to truly take on what you've said though (and as I'm pregnant and have a very short attention span I don't think I can do that kind of thinking at the moment). But it has made me think about what we do...I tend to get annoyed and angry if I feel like I'm loosing control or if I don't feel loved enough. BUT my anger stops me from communicating properly because I cry with rage (silly huh?) and so always have to go an compose myself before we can get to the talking things over...'whats wrong?' stage. Lol I've stormed out of the same room 3 times in messy angry tears each time trying to pull myself together so I can explain myself! Its so annoying when that happens! Basically though we get through our conflict because we talk about things openly and honestly even though it hurts and then the other person will try really hard to adjust their behaviour if we feel thats what needs to happen. Relationships are quite hard work but so worth it in the end :) I think you can deepen your love and make it stronger if you get things out in the open too! Thanks for the great post! x x

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  25. I've been following your blog since you posted on that do-it-yourself cocoa powder gift that you put in a glass jar! Haha =)

    This post finally made me come out of hiding. Here are my favorite points -

    1. The idea of the crazy cycle.
    2. Pursuing Truth
    3. Friendship being the secret ingredient.

    Thank you! I'm so proud of you!
    God bless you and Nick. All the best. =)

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  26. You are such a blessing Dani - thank you Jesus for this post! :D

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  27. Danni,

    I know the crazy cycle and if you ever have the opportunity to be a part of the Love and Respect conference you will be so blessed.

    Sorry if I am repeating anything that may have been mentioned in previous comments but I didn't read the comment thread.

    That is where the term 'crazy cycle' comes from. It is an amazing seminar/course for anyone who is a believer. I say that because the whole premise is on God's Word, His plan for marriage and what exactly does it mean. It's an absolutely fabulous conference and I highly recommend it.

    It sounds like you experienced a beautiful retreat. I'm glad you included this in your blog as your blog is a reflection of who you truly are.

    xo - C

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  28. I'm so glad you shared this, thank you. Going to make my husband read it now!

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  29. this was fantastic! I was a bit intimadated by how long it was... the pretty pictures helped! it was definetly encouraging and something I would like to work on. thanks for sharing!

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  30. Thanks for this! Definitely worth the read. I've found the best success with "I" statements as well as just remembering that he's an introvert and I'm an extrovert and being aware of how that plays out.

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  31. I really love that you shared this. I agree it's so much better to lovingly analyze the dynamic in your relationship all the time, not just waiting for problems to fix.

    I'm in charge of the marriage and family lecture in the Sociology class I'm student teaching in so you totally just helped me do a little research too...thank you. :)

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  32. I love this post so much :) My mister seems to think we are the only people on earth that fight. I'll have to show him this post :)
    xo Heather
    http://ahopelessnotebook.blogspot.com/

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  33. i think what you said and learned makes total sense , i get mad at little things but in reality i'm getting mad because of deeper reasons. i often try to keep quiet about things that bother me because i don't wanna fight but it builds up and then explodes i know communication is also key but i need to really do that and also learn to take a step back ,i have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to just fight it out but that never seems to work out lol

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  34. I really think my husband and I need to go to a retreat like this. Not because we have issues, but because I am SOOOO difficult to live with. I know I am! He's so easy going and I'm just a nutcase. Pushing buttons is such a serious yet easy thing to do.

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  35. Great post!

    Steve and I have very little conflict in our relationship, but I still sometimes catch myself thinking things I know are not true - he's NOT judging me for not having washed the dishes (he does all the cooking - it's a fair swap); I'm judging myself and pushing the blame onto him so I can self-righteous about it! It's a lot easier now I know that I'm doing this.

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  36. Thank you so much for sharing this! I can't imagine that there's a reader out there who couldn't benefit from reading this. People need to know that no one's relationships are perfect. That't the inherent problem with marriage, it's HARD! But worth the work because a good one makes things so much better, but a bad one makes life unbearable.

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  37. I'm just always amazed how many deep things can come up, how much my husband wants to do things that I don't want to do. I just really feel like I shouldn't have to do some things, and he thinks I should because he wants to. Three examples come to mind: He wants to go on a cruise - I get desperately sea sick; he wants to go to a footy game at the MCG, I NEVER watch footy and he hardly does; he wants to go to a country music festival, I barely like country music and I don't like being out in the sun for a long time. To me it's like saying, hey, let's eat spiders! I just don't want to do it!!

    Should I?

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  38. great post! our bible study group is studying the book The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. It's not only for couples but for all your relationships in general. Lots of food for thought in those pages!

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  39. Great post. Everyone should know this stuff - they should teach it in school.

    All that said, Ive been with my husband 15 years and we still have the same silly fights.

    One thing I dont think you mentioned but is really important (in my humble opinion) is that you don't always need to be right. Even if you are right 100%, you still lose when you argue about it - deciding to pick your battles is a huge lesson to learn.

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  40. The way I deal with my my conflicts in my marriage, is I deal with myself first. If I find I'm using the accusing and strong words like "You're", "never" "always", (ex: "You're never going to help with this xxx project because you're always doing xxx") then that's when I know i need to calm down, back up and look at myself rather than him.

    Great post, and these are great guidelines not just for marriage, but for any relationships.

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  41. This is really great advice! I love blog posts with this much substance. Being each other's best friend is so important to keep a happy marriage. It allows you to communicate with each other better and reminds you to have fun with each other more often.

    http://www.hernorthstar.com/

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  42. i really needed this.

    sometimes mark and i fight over what seems later to be really silly things, but at the time, sometimes i honestly feel like i could just walk away over it! our biggest problem is that although we both eventually apologize and get over the fight, the issues themselves never seem to get resolved, so they just keep resurfacing. this will be really helpful. :)

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  43. Just wanted to say thank you for this :)

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  44. Danni, thank you so much for sharing this on your blog. It's really nice to read about marriage sometimes, about the relationships that compose the home, about something so true to my experience. When my husband and I did premarital counseling (which I HIGHLY recommend), we talked a little about the reactive cycle (though I like the crazy cycle name more, too!). I'd forgotten about it--thank you for sharing this all and reminding me. I have a good marriage but it could always use a little extra work. Every marriage can.

    My parents are doing a Love and Respect couple's Bible study through their church--I think you would really like the book and studies, if you found the retreat so good. You guys might also like to check out Sacred Marriage. I've only read part, but it really resonated with me--it's intelligent and yet relatable.

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  45. This is great! I totally agree about the 'pride' thing. It's so hard for us girls to let go of a little pride, let alone guys, and say 'I'm sorry' but when we do, the opposite party opens up as well =)

    Thanks for sharing!

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  46. Seriously incredible and a gracious act of God that you blogged on this. I have such terrible anger and mine and Dan's (my husband) relationship is a perfect picture of the buttons > reactive crazy cycle. Thank you so much, sister. Also, I live in Seal Beach. We should grab coffee sometime!

    Love, Cara

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  47. Amy - Thank You Cards Shop07 March, 2012 11:48

    love that you posted this - this especially hit home for me: "Nick and I have a great marriage, we don't need to go to something like this"

    it made me think - why not learn and grow in one of our most important relationships, even if things are "going ok".

    i'm going to be more open minded now to seminars like this instead of being a bit defensive like i have been :)

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  48. I've read about this philosophy before. But the "emotional buttons" were "core hurts" instead. It makes sense to me! I appreciate the reminder.

    In the book I read about it it teaches you that when someone confronts you, don't get defensive. Instead step back and try to figure out what their "core hurt" is or what is really bothering them (ie feeling unimportant, judged). It's a great way to get to the root of the problem.

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  49. hey, great message about relationships. so 'ironic', more like, 'God moment' for me to find this just hours after a conflict with my fiance. thanks for the quick peek at such simple, but profound words

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  50. This is a really really really good post. Thank you for your heart.

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  51. Wow. That is such a good thing to blog about. It's really refreshing to read something of depth and value in the blogospehere. I really do agree with what you have written, and it is so encouraging to read truth. Thanks so much for sharing!

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  52. Wow. It is so refreshing to read something so honest and so full of depth. I really do think we need to be open and honest with our spouses and always keep the lines of conversation open at all costs - even if it means eating a slice of good ol' homebaked humble pie, and admitting we are wrong once and a while. Thanks for your post!

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  53. Solving conflict between husband and wife is difficult unless both of them will sit down and talk about the issues they have.
    Being rational could help here a lot than being emotional. Letting the pride down is might help also.
    If conflict is not solved, this may trigger to unhealthy living the lead to divorce.
    So while the conflict is still fresh and small. Try to solve it early. And most of all, let god be the center of your family.

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  54. http://www.raisinggreatmen.com/2012/01/how-to-raise-your-son-so-his-wife-wont-have-to.html#comment-6a00d834205b0853ef017615b6636d970c

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  55. i'm not sure how but i didn't see this post until now. thank you so much for sharing what you learned and your own thoughts/experiences. i agree that it's dangerous for couples to always think "our relationship is perfect". as humans, we should always strive to makes ourselves into better people and that goes for our relationships too.

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Friends, Thank you so much for reading + supporting my blog, and for taking the time to leave me a comment. Your comment support truly means so much to me. Have a lovely day! xo, danni